My Talisman - The Fool

My previous post 'Death, Re-Birth and Transformation' touched upon the concept of Touchstones and the Talisman, where I find 3 words that symbolises who I am and want to become and a visual that serves as my Talisman. The 3 words that I have selected were - seeker, soul and symbiosis. The Talisman that I have decided was 'The Fool' in the Tarot deck. I want to go deeper into why I chose this card, and how this card sums up who I am at this current point in time.

The Fool - Fountain Tarot Deck

From a young age, my older sister would call me 'fool' as a nickname (endearing? I don't know). There was something about my personality and the way I would throw myself into situations and take risks that sometimes scared my friends and family. I have always lived my life riding the currents of where my journey was taking me, and in return it has led me to some transformational experiences - some good, some not-so-good, some sobering and some near-death experiences. Here's a list:

Age 6: began my first ballet class and hated it.

at the same time: I began badminton (family pursuit - but I chose dance over badminton.)

at the same time: swimming lessons (got a bronze and stopped)

Age 12: Attended an audition for SOTA and got in

funny story: I was accompanying a friend of mine who really wanted to get in, turns out we both got in.

Age 15: had my first major injury - hairline fracture in my toes after landing wrongly from a jump during a rehearsal. Was on crutches and sat out for 4 months.

6 months later...: Attended an audition for Rambert and was offered a place.

funny story: I just attended the audition because I loved the music and the style of contemporary dance. I never thought I would be offered a place, especially since only recovering from my fracture. At the same time, classmates were completely shocked because I wasn't the obvious choice ("good enough") to enter a conservatoire.

Age 17: flew to London to begin Rambert School.

an actual leap of faith. New environment, new self, a new opportunity.

at the same time: felt very alone, and learnt how to be comfortable in my solitude.

During my schooling, I formed new friendships, experienced many firsts, traveled around Europe myself, almost died whilst learning how to ride a bike in Amsterdam, struggling with communicating in different languages, pent-up frustrations with school and eventually creating a project with 2 of my friends - Prjkt MOM: Dust.

Age 20: Auditioned for VERVE and got in after just attending 1 audition.

funny story: my friends pushed me to email the director for VERVE to check in with him about the waiting list, and he got back to me with an offer instead. It was during the middle of a rehearsal for our graduation piece.

at the same time: entered my first relationship (long distance relationship)

Age 21: Flew back to Singapore after spending in the UK for 4 years

thought process: "fuck, I have to start all over again".

Age 23: spring cleaned my life - friends, values, what fulfils me etc.

at the same time: ended my previous relationship. It broke me to my core.

right after: worked on myself, inner growth, self healing and listening to my inner child.

Now: more self-assured, self-confident and approaching life with straightforward kindness.

in return, I get: more fulfilling and meaningful connections with friends and family, a strong work ethic and learning how to speak my own truth and honesty without compromising who I am.

Even though these situations seems assorted, I realised that in all of them, I "took a leap of faith". With going to Rambert, moving to a different country, starting projects from scratch, even my relationships. Perhaps this is why, I guess I resonate very strongly to The Fool card.

According to Biddy Tarot:

"The Fool is numbered 0 – the number of unlimited potential – and so does not have a specific place in the sequence of the Tarot cards. The Fool can be placed either at the beginning of the Major Arcana or at the end. The Major Arcana is often considered the Fool’s journey through life and as such, he is ever present and therefore needs no number."

(https://www.biddytarot.com/tarot-card-meanings/major-arcana/fool/)

In this Fool Card by the Fountain Tarot, the child is wearing a plain coloured outfit, taking a leap, almost as if he is flying/gliding the sky. Leaving behind a trace or trail. Here are some reasons why this card resonates with me.

Blue - That would be the colour that I would describe my 'aura', and it is one of my favourite colour palettes out of the many. It's a calm and cool colour that symbolises intelligence and creativity. Aside from this being the colour of the sky, it is also colours that airline companies uses. The colour blue can also be described as loyalty, strength, trust and wisdom - these 4 values are embedded very deeply into my core values. Most of the clothing I own are the colour blue, and I travel quite frequently on airplanes. (funny how the child's arms are stretched out sideways, almost resembling the wings of an airplane). Whenever I travel, I always feel a sense of calmness, being one with the sky and feeling like the world is much bigger than what goes on in cosmopolitan cities or bureaucratic work. "From a color psychology perspective, the blue color is reliable and responsible and radiates security and trust. You can be sure that the color blue can take control and do the right thing in difficult situations. The blue color needs order and planning in its life, including the way it lives and works." (https://www.color-meanings.com/blue-color-meaning-the-color-blue/)

Leap - In the card, the child is leaping, almost like a grand jete (ballet terminology for a jump or leap, in which a dancer leaps from one leg and lands on the other). It's almost quite fitting that this is the movement that is shown in the card because of my profession. When you prepare for a grand jete, you need to prepare your legs, feet, body and arms to help the elevation off the floor. It is usually prepped with a grand battement (ballet terminology for kick) where you need to gather enough momentum, force and timing of the leap. Numerous, intricate calculation goes into a leap, but it is not as simple as most people think it would be. When this is brought onto the grander scheme of things, I am constantly leaping from one project to another, one country to another, one mindset to another etc. I'm constantly striving to grow, to become better and to become in a way, more 'evolved'.

Child - There is a sense of inner child inside me that is always curious - about the world, about people and about events that happens around me. However, there is also the wounded inner child that is scared to say the wrong things, gets triggered by the fear of abandonment and not doing what is supposedly 'correct'. I guess it's the environment I grew up in, so there is nothing I can do to change the past. However, I am slowly learning to love my inner child and soothe myself when things gets too tough for me, especially on the emotional side. Eg: when a harsh comment is made to me by a loved one, my natural reaction would be to get really defensive and take it personally (on top of overthinking, not a good comb0). However, now I try to see the intent of the words said by the person and listen to it from a more objective Point-of-View. It doesn't always work, and I will get retreat back into my natural defensive habits, but I am more self-aware, which is one step closer to moving past my fears.

In terms of mindset, I realised that I am quite naive (as my mother would call me), because I tend to be too trusting of people and see the potential of good. Perhaps it's rather child-like, because children are not as tainted or cynical. I can see why, of course. But I view this as a positive trait as how you perceive things also affects how you perceive yourself too. It's a feedback loop.

I guess with all of these explanations, it is rather clear why I have decided to choose this card as my Talisman. It serves as a reminder of who I am at my core, and where I want to strive towards and the meanings behind the struggles I have been through in life. Through change, we find aspects of ourselves like a jigsaw puzzle. Only when you journey through life experiences that you learn more about yourself.

That's my motto - to become my authentic self and speak my own truth. Take the leap of faith when necessary, because that is when real magic happens.